On This Day One Year Ago...

Every morning since we moved to NYC from Arizona feels like I’m Nicolas Cage in the movie “Family Man”.  Nothing is familiar even after 10 months of living here.  

I wake up in a queen size bed, horns & sirens blaring outside that my noisy window a/c unit can’t even drown out.

 I wait for my teen daughter to be done in our one bathroom before I can even pee.  I go out to our dining room/living room/office to my hubby talking loud on a biz call and cook in a hot kitchen with no a/c toppling everything over in the cramped space.

My dog has to go outside which means I have to put on a bra, shoes & actual clothes since I train clients in my building who I run Into.  I wait forever for her to pee since she still isn’t used to relieving herself publicly on the sidewalk.  

No one is familiar even after 10 months.  I see clients & think “You are very nice but where are all my Az BAMs?” I facetime my Az clients & hate the barrier of the phone between us wishing I could walk thru my Apple iPhone portal to give them a hug.

I somehow got myself elected as PA President of Beacon High school.  I run board meetings hearing all the demands & think  “Who are you people & what do you want from me?”  

The one familiar person I knew here who actually wanted me to come here has declared “I am dead” to him.  He’s correct: the Az Lis is dead.  

NYC Lis has been resurrected in her place.  Even though that friendship turned out to be toxic I still miss him.  He was the only familiar person besides my family here.  

There are times I feel so homesick for my former life, my tribe, that it physically hurts.  I long for our small tight knit catholic school community who prayed for us & openly talked about God.  I don’t hear the “G” word mentioned much & get the feeling it’s a taboo subject here.  

I get into my via carpool service enduring smells & conversations I do not wish to have.  I endure the subway & all its cattle car qualities complete with a myriad of distinct odors  

I lug my laundry down to the basement hoping there is an open washer & dryer. There are times when I just break down & sob telling my family let’s go back home.  Everything in NYC is harder, takes longer, is a fight.  

Yet...I have no regrets.  

As difficult as it is here, it would be much more difficult sittting in my 3,000 sq ft house with 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, letting my dog out to relieve herself in her spacious backyard complete with a pool, my central a/c,  a kitchen the size of my entire nyc apt, driving my car around enjoying the solitude & lovely fresh new car scent, doing laundry in my own washing machine, waking up in my king size bed & lingering in my private jacuzzi tub. 

The trade off of seeing all my familiar, loving people and keeping all the comforts of my former life would have been the nagging question that we would have been asking every day:  “What would have happened if we had said yes to Beacon High school & moved to NYC?”

I’d be disappointed in myself that I chose to stay comfortable, that I chose convenience over challenge, that I chose to not grow.

So yes it’s fucking hard since I moved here but not nearly as hard as the regrets I’d have if we hadn’t moved. 

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Me & Matt

I always thought Matt, my trainer told me, “Do exactly what I tell you & this will work”.  I was shocked when I read this & it was me saying to Matt, “Tell me what to do & I will do it”.  

He always told me it was me all along, that I did this & therefore all the credit goes to me, not him.  So this is me finally owning my power—only took 5 years. 

Thank you Matt & my Alive Family.  I miss you all but carry you in my heart forever. 

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My Alive Family 

Matt in the middle : ) 

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Matt teaching my daugher how to bench press 

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Matt giving me a lift  

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The gym class loser now turned Fitness Director  

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Lazy Science

Infertility was the catalyst for me getting fat, really fat, like 226lbs, 48% body fat kinda fat.  My husband had a low sperm count so of course how does the infertility field treat male infertility?  They pump us women full of unthinkable high doses of fertility drugs in the hopes we will grow an enormous amount of eggs, in the hopes one of the eggs will get fertilized by a single sperm (in my case they had to inject the sperm into the egg).  

This is on my mind seeing that it’s Fathers Day.  My former poor quality frozen embryo asked me why on earth would they treat male factor by putting a women through all that?  Isn’t there a better way?  Good question my smart girl asks.  And I can’t believe 21 years later science still doesn’t have an answer & we still treat women for a man’s problem.  

 I can tell you that I would have done anything to get pregnant with a biological child.  But now that the smoke has cleared & I have 15 years distance between that time I’m pissed.  Not that I had a baby of course, but that I had to endure so much physically to compensate for a medical diagnosis my husband had.  I’m not angry with him but at the medical field for having nothing better to offer us besides donor sperm.   Seems like lazy science to me.  Oh well, we don’t know how to make more sperm so let’s trash the woman’s body instead or take your male partner out of the equation. 

Even my husband seems to have forgotten that I was treated for male factor infertility.  Just recently he argued with me stating “No, you had endometriosis”.  Yes, that’s true but only AFTER my body was repeatedly pumped full of hormones.  Even my own reproductive endocrinologist said “We are putting gasoline on the fire with every cycle”. 

My body will never be the same again.  It was after my baby was born that the real problems began.  Yet my pain, scars, layers of fat, mood swings, cancer scare, gaining 80lbs, post partum depression, breast feeding issues & hormonal nightmare led me exactly where I was supposed to go.  Without it I wouldn’t be sitting here in my NYC apartment with my daughter making Fathers Day breakfast & blogging for a company I created.  I wouldn’t have this incredibly rich, fulfilling life, and the daughter & career I have now.  

Yes, it was hard.  Yes, I was angry then & maybe even more angry now at science.  However it was not as hard or angry as I would have been NOT trying for a biological baby.  

So thank you lazy science for allowing me to take the road less travelled which led to me to life I was meant to live.  

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My Free Skincare Product

I’m always being asked what my skincare routine is, what products I use & how I keep my skin so healthy.  The answer is simple.  Clean eating plus water.  LOTS of water.  I carry a water bottle around all day.  I drink about a gallon a day.  I infuse it with cucumbers, lemon, berries & mint.  

Your skin is the biggest organ in your body so you must treat it from the inside out.  Just like weight loss, the change happens on the inside first then you see it on the outside.

 If you want healthy, dewy, plump, clear skin then change what you put inside your body to see it happen in your skin.  People spend mountains of money on expensive skincare products when the best one is sitting for free right in their kitchen sink.  

This is a great article on the power of water:

Why Drinking Water Is Good For Your Skin | POPSUGAR Beauty

 

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Cheers

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Raw & Real

Raw & real entry from my personal diary during my two year transformation journey of shedding 80lbs & finally finding myself again.   

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My Happy Place

My favorite view from our NYC apartment.  

Elliana's backyard.  

I love to sit on the windowsill & drink my coffee fresh from my new percolator.  I left my Keurig back in Az since it didn't seem like a good idea to pour boiling hot water through plastic.

I add butter for a little fat to ward off the caffeine crash.  And stevia to sweeten it.  

If you ever get a chance try Stumptown coffee.  It's my favorite. It's also our favorite coffee hangout in NYC!   

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The night we moved in I drank this looking out at my favorite view.  A little Malbec cures all.  

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Afterall, emptying all of this was a bit exhausting.   

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Notice my big stability ball, spin bike & weights!  Necessities no matter how small our apartment is!