Out of Comfort Zone

Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

Some of my best moments come from stepping out of my comfort zone.  

This one in particular was uncomfortable for many reasons.  I had to learn the art of spinning, get comfortable with cardio, find my rhythm & wow the Soul Cycle judges in a 60 second window. 

Oh & did I mention practicing for this while sorting through & packing up my 3,000 sq foot house to move to a 1,000 sq ft NYC apartment?  

But none of that was as uncomfortable as having to move one week before my husband & daughter so that I could be there for the Soul Cycle audition.    

I missed out on saying good bye with my daughter to the house she’d grown up in the last 15 years.  

Missed out on walking through the empty house remembering the princess birthday parties, the the Thanksgiving dinners, the leisurely pancake breakfasts with Elliana playing guitar in the background, and making s’mores in the backyard.  

Missed out on watching the house get smaller in the rear view mirror as the Penske truck pulled away from the only life she’d ever known. 

So why did I choose the Soul Cycle audition over all that?  Because my daughter said “Mom,  if you don’t go you will always wonder, what if??!!”.  

Lazy Science

Infertility was the catalyst for me getting fat, really fat, like 226lbs, 48% body fat kinda fat.  My husband had a low sperm count so of course how does the infertility field treat male infertility?  They pump us women full of unthinkable high doses of fertility drugs in the hopes we will grow an enormous amount of eggs, in the hopes one of the eggs will get fertilized by a single sperm (in my case they had to inject the sperm into the egg).  

This is on my mind seeing that it’s Fathers Day.  My former poor quality frozen embryo asked me why on earth would they treat male factor by putting a women through all that?  Isn’t there a better way?  Good question my smart girl asks.  And I can’t believe 21 years later science still doesn’t have an answer & we still treat women for a man’s problem.  

 I can tell you that I would have done anything to get pregnant with a biological child.  But now that the smoke has cleared & I have 15 years distance between that time I’m pissed.  Not that I had a baby of course, but that I had to endure so much physically to compensate for a medical diagnosis my husband had.  I’m not angry with him but at the medical field for having nothing better to offer us besides donor sperm.   Seems like lazy science to me.  Oh well, we don’t know how to make more sperm so let’s trash the woman’s body instead or take your male partner out of the equation. 

Even my husband seems to have forgotten that I was treated for male factor infertility.  Just recently he argued with me stating “No, you had endometriosis”.  Yes, that’s true but only AFTER my body was repeatedly pumped full of hormones.  Even my own reproductive endocrinologist said “We are putting gasoline on the fire with every cycle”. 

My body will never be the same again.  It was after my baby was born that the real problems began.  Yet my pain, scars, layers of fat, mood swings, cancer scare, gaining 80lbs, post partum depression, breast feeding issues & hormonal nightmare led me exactly where I was supposed to go.  Without it I wouldn’t be sitting here in my NYC apartment with my daughter making Fathers Day breakfast & blogging for a company I created.  I wouldn’t have this incredibly rich, fulfilling life, and the daughter & career I have now.  

Yes, it was hard.  Yes, I was angry then & maybe even more angry now at science.  However it was not as hard or angry as I would have been NOT trying for a biological baby.  

So thank you lazy science for allowing me to take the road less travelled which led to me to life I was meant to live.  

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