My Secret

Everybody has a chapter they don’t read out loud.

My chapter was my weight.  

When I weighed 226lbs only God & my doctor knew.  Then my trainer.  But not one other soul.  

I was ashamed.  I felt weak.  I felt powerless.  I felt out of control on the inside and it showed on the outside.  I wasn’t fooling anybody least of all myself.  

I wouldn’t go to the pool or beach since I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bathing suit.  I avoided reunions or any event that involved people I hadn’t seen in a long time.

 I stopped being in pictures or would hide in the picture.  My daughter was a great shield to hide behind. I avoided going to the doctor since I didn’t want to be weighed.

I stopped living my life.  It shows in my scrapbooks.  My daughter asked why I stopped scrapbooking after her 5th birthday.

 I stopped because my life stopped when I got fat.  I didn’t want to memorialize that time in my life.

You are only as sick as your secrets.  I was very sick when I weighed 226lbs.  I had diabetes, high blood pressure, my triglycerides were 700 & I was on Prozac for PMDD (PMS that makes everyone around you hide).

The layers of fat weren’t the worst part.  I was trapped in my own mind,  A prisoner in solitary confinement.   

Then one day I told my story. And not just to one person but hundreds of people in a talk at my gym when I first became a trainer.  Even worse they had a giant picture of my fatness displayed behind me for everyone to see.  

It was freeing to tell my story, my secret.  I shook, I cried & I blushed from embarrassment as I felt each shackle release.

Afterwards I was bombarded by women who were holding on to their secrets.   They were crying and thanking me for being so brave, so real.  

That was the start of a new life-giving career for me.  

Reading that chapter out loud healed my mind, heart & soul.  I had already lost 80lbs but the 226lb Lisa was still inside me.  

I closed that chapter after reading it out loud. I finally let 226lb Lisa go.  I thanked her for what she taught me, but asked her to never come back again. 

I became a difference maker.  

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Lazy Science

Infertility was the catalyst for me getting fat, really fat, like 226lbs, 48% body fat kinda fat.  My husband had a low sperm count so of course how does the infertility field treat male infertility?  They pump us women full of unthinkable high doses of fertility drugs in the hopes we will grow an enormous amount of eggs, in the hopes one of the eggs will get fertilized by a single sperm (in my case they had to inject the sperm into the egg).  

This is on my mind seeing that it’s Fathers Day.  My former poor quality frozen embryo asked me why on earth would they treat male factor by putting a women through all that?  Isn’t there a better way?  Good question my smart girl asks.  And I can’t believe 21 years later science still doesn’t have an answer & we still treat women for a man’s problem.  

 I can tell you that I would have done anything to get pregnant with a biological child.  But now that the smoke has cleared & I have 15 years distance between that time I’m pissed.  Not that I had a baby of course, but that I had to endure so much physically to compensate for a medical diagnosis my husband had.  I’m not angry with him but at the medical field for having nothing better to offer us besides donor sperm.   Seems like lazy science to me.  Oh well, we don’t know how to make more sperm so let’s trash the woman’s body instead or take your male partner out of the equation. 

Even my husband seems to have forgotten that I was treated for male factor infertility.  Just recently he argued with me stating “No, you had endometriosis”.  Yes, that’s true but only AFTER my body was repeatedly pumped full of hormones.  Even my own reproductive endocrinologist said “We are putting gasoline on the fire with every cycle”. 

My body will never be the same again.  It was after my baby was born that the real problems began.  Yet my pain, scars, layers of fat, mood swings, cancer scare, gaining 80lbs, post partum depression, breast feeding issues & hormonal nightmare led me exactly where I was supposed to go.  Without it I wouldn’t be sitting here in my NYC apartment with my daughter making Fathers Day breakfast & blogging for a company I created.  I wouldn’t have this incredibly rich, fulfilling life, and the daughter & career I have now.  

Yes, it was hard.  Yes, I was angry then & maybe even more angry now at science.  However it was not as hard or angry as I would have been NOT trying for a biological baby.  

So thank you lazy science for allowing me to take the road less travelled which led to me to life I was meant to live.  

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