Belly of the Beast

The day I beat my “heroin” addiction...

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Just Get to the Starting Line

When I weighed 226lbs my trainer would run around the building with me.  

After I lost about 50lbs he would send me out to run alone.  I asked him why he didn’t run with me anymore & he said “I ran with you in the beginning because I wasn’t sure you’d make it around the building even once”.

 I felt like I would die running around that building when I was that heavy.  He would say “Just start & before you know it you will be finished”. 

But even after I lost weight, running was still a struggle for me.  I’d get out of breath quick, and after 3 minutes I wanted to quit. 

When my sis-in-law, a seasoned marathon runner, asked me to do a half marathon with her, for some odd reason,which is still unclear to me to this day, I said “ok”!  

So the training began.  Running 3-4 times a week with someone who is faster & more seasoned than me was frustrating & hurt my ego at times.  

I kept at the training because I didn’t want to die running 13.1 miles.  It scared the shit of me—13.1 miles is a lot more than the laps I had been running around the building.

 Up to that point I’d only run a mile at most. 

I pushed through even when I didn’t want to get up at 4:30 a.m. before the Tucson summer heat kicked in.  A friend even told me I wasn’t built for running & I was too old to run my first half marathon.  

 I was determined to get myself to the starting line.  Yes that’s right, the STARTING line not the finishing line.  

I realized it’s much harder to get myself to the starting line; once the starting gun went off I’d knew I’d finish.  For me the victory was not in finishing the race but actually starting the race.  

 I was begging God the night before to give me food poisoning or a broken toe or anything that would prevent me from getting to that starting line.  Instead he gave me the gift of facing my fear & running right through it.   

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In training even on vacation on our 25th Anniversary.  I fell down, got a little hurt but picked myself off & still ran back to our hotel.  

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I made it.  The starting line.  Facing my fear head on.   

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First 5k

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My daughter would run with me on days I needed an extra push. 

My first & only 11 mile run along the Hudson River on vacation.  The night before I was at a scotch bar but I still got up & trained.  I was dedicated to not dying the day of the half marathon.  My fear was my biggest motivator. 

 

Soul

Took me awhile to publish this.

 This rejection knocked the wind out of my sails.

 I chose coming to the Soul Cycle audition in New York City over being there when my daughter said goodbye to the only home she ever knew in Tucson.

I chose the audition over driving across country with my daughter, husband & dog to move to our new home in NYC.

  In addition to the emptiness I felt from the rejection of not making the Soul Cycle cut, I endured the emptiness of a hot apartment for a week after the audition waiting for my family to arrive.  

It was one of the darkest times in my life.  I woke up every morning feeling literally sick to my stomach-now I know why it's called homesick.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt vulnerable. 

I doubted myself, cursed myself, felt sorry for myself.  I felt lost & completely alone questioning every decision that I made.  

All I could see was darkness.

 It's been 2 months & I am no longer afraid of getting lost.  I now know that the journey back reveals something new.  I molted.  New feathers have formed.  New realities have revealed a new way for me to fly. Deeper understanding of who I am, and what I can do.  A stronger me.  Clear on what I want.  What I am.  

I am Lisa Ceizyk, owner, founder of simpatico mind & body.   

I am all heart & soul even without Soul Cycle.  

I am a BAM.

I once was lost.  

Now I'm found.  

Was blind--but now I see.  

 

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Famous Soul Move 

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Here I go...

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Words of wisdom from my baby...

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Videos of my Soul Journey... 

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What I want now... 

Scared to Start

I can barely remember when three miles was a struggle.  

This must be the time of year I decide to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. 

Last year at this time I decided to train for a half marathon.  I was filled with fear with every step I ran.  Every mile represented a mile closer to 13.1 and that number filled me with fear, anxiety & buttreflies in my stomach.   

I have never been a strong runner.  I started training too soon before the marathon & looking back I didn't even train properly.  Many other seasoned runners suggested I train more, become a stronger runner first. 

The closer it got to the marathon I kept secretly hoping I would get injured or sick or come to my senses & chicken out.

I DID IT ANYWAY. 

For me it wasn't about finishing in a certain time or keeping a certain pace or any other running related goal.  I kept saying my goal was just to finish.  That was a lie.  I lied to myself & everyone & knew once that gun went off I would finish.  I have never been the type not to finish what I start. My real goal, the one I didn't even admit to myself, was making it to the starting line, not the finishing line. It was about feeling the fear & doing it anyway. 

I crossed that finish line battered & bruised mentally, physically & emotionally.  I felt so fucking strong regardless of the pain. More alive than I had ever felt in my life.   

I could have waited till I became a stronger runner to run that half marathon.  But then I would have missed out on becoming a stronger person.