Out of Comfort Zone

Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

Some of my best moments come from stepping out of my comfort zone.  

This one in particular was uncomfortable for many reasons.  I had to learn the art of spinning, get comfortable with cardio, find my rhythm & wow the Soul Cycle judges in a 60 second window. 

Oh & did I mention practicing for this while sorting through & packing up my 3,000 sq foot house to move to a 1,000 sq ft NYC apartment?  

But none of that was as uncomfortable as having to move one week before my husband & daughter so that I could be there for the Soul Cycle audition.    

I missed out on saying good bye with my daughter to the house she’d grown up in the last 15 years.  

Missed out on walking through the empty house remembering the princess birthday parties, the the Thanksgiving dinners, the leisurely pancake breakfasts with Elliana playing guitar in the background, and making s’mores in the backyard.  

Missed out on watching the house get smaller in the rear view mirror as the Penske truck pulled away from the only life she’d ever known. 

So why did I choose the Soul Cycle audition over all that?  Because my daughter said “Mom,  if you don’t go you will always wonder, what if??!!”.  

What’s Harder?

“But it’s so hard to get up early & workout” 

”But it’s so hard to pass up the wine” 

”But it’s so hard to make time to exercise” 

”But it’s so hard to____” 

I could go on & on.  But I’d rather ask you this “Is whatever you say is hard about getting fit & healthy harder than waking up everyday hating the way you look in pictures?  Harder than having no energy?  Harder than the way you feel inside?   Harder than none of your clothes fitting?  Harder than avoiding social events because of the way you look?  Harder than being the heaviest person in the room?  Harder than having sex with the lights on or at all?  Harder than having your life shortened by high blood pressure, diabetes & heart disease? 

For me exercising is hard.  Eating healthy is hard.  But not as hard as when I hated myself for weighing 226lbs. 

Time to stop hating.  Time to get the outside your inside always wanted.  Time to love yourself.  You are worth it.   

My Secret

Everybody has a chapter they don’t read out loud.

My chapter was my weight.  

When I weighed 226lbs only God & my doctor knew.  Then my trainer.  But not one other soul.  

I was ashamed.  I felt weak.  I felt powerless.  I felt out of control on the inside and it showed on the outside.  I wasn’t fooling anybody least of all myself.  

I wouldn’t go to the pool or beach since I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bathing suit.  I avoided reunions or any event that involved people I hadn’t seen in a long time.

 I stopped being in pictures or would hide in the picture.  My daughter was a great shield to hide behind. I avoided going to the doctor since I didn’t want to be weighed.

I stopped living my life.  It shows in my scrapbooks.  My daughter asked why I stopped scrapbooking after her 5th birthday.

 I stopped because my life stopped when I got fat.  I didn’t want to memorialize that time in my life.

You are only as sick as your secrets.  I was very sick when I weighed 226lbs.  I had diabetes, high blood pressure, my triglycerides were 700 & I was on Prozac for PMDD (PMS that makes everyone around you hide).

The layers of fat weren’t the worst part.  I was trapped in my own mind,  A prisoner in solitary confinement.   

Then one day I told my story. And not just to one person but hundreds of people in a talk at my gym when I first became a trainer.  Even worse they had a giant picture of my fatness displayed behind me for everyone to see.  

It was freeing to tell my story, my secret.  I shook, I cried & I blushed from embarrassment as I felt each shackle release.

Afterwards I was bombarded by women who were holding on to their secrets.   They were crying and thanking me for being so brave, so real.  

That was the start of a new life-giving career for me.  

Reading that chapter out loud healed my mind, heart & soul.  I had already lost 80lbs but the 226lb Lisa was still inside me.  

I closed that chapter after reading it out loud. I finally let 226lb Lisa go.  I thanked her for what she taught me, but asked her to never come back again. 

I became a difference maker.  

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Hit

Today I got hit.  Hard.  Smacked upside my head.  With a fifteen pound weight.  Accidently in a boxing class.

 I’m the type of person that looks for the meaning to understand the lesson life is trying to teach me in every situation.  

So I kept asking, “Why is life hitting me?”  Then I remembered all I learned from my insightful f-bomb dropping British boxing instructor.  

Life was not hitting me.  I put myself in the position to be hit.

 I need to constantly change my position, keep my gloves up to protect myself, duck, reset & make sure the fight is even worth getting in the ring for.  

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Me & Matt

I always thought Matt, my trainer told me, “Do exactly what I tell you & this will work”.  I was shocked when I read this & it was me saying to Matt, “Tell me what to do & I will do it”.  

He always told me it was me all along, that I did this & therefore all the credit goes to me, not him.  So this is me finally owning my power—only took 5 years. 

Thank you Matt & my Alive Family.  I miss you all but carry you in my heart forever. 

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My Alive Family 

Matt in the middle : ) 

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Matt teaching my daugher how to bench press 

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Matt giving me a lift  

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The gym class loser now turned Fitness Director  

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Lazy Science

Infertility was the catalyst for me getting fat, really fat, like 226lbs, 48% body fat kinda fat.  My husband had a low sperm count so of course how does the infertility field treat male infertility?  They pump us women full of unthinkable high doses of fertility drugs in the hopes we will grow an enormous amount of eggs, in the hopes one of the eggs will get fertilized by a single sperm (in my case they had to inject the sperm into the egg).  

This is on my mind seeing that it’s Fathers Day.  My former poor quality frozen embryo asked me why on earth would they treat male factor by putting a women through all that?  Isn’t there a better way?  Good question my smart girl asks.  And I can’t believe 21 years later science still doesn’t have an answer & we still treat women for a man’s problem.  

 I can tell you that I would have done anything to get pregnant with a biological child.  But now that the smoke has cleared & I have 15 years distance between that time I’m pissed.  Not that I had a baby of course, but that I had to endure so much physically to compensate for a medical diagnosis my husband had.  I’m not angry with him but at the medical field for having nothing better to offer us besides donor sperm.   Seems like lazy science to me.  Oh well, we don’t know how to make more sperm so let’s trash the woman’s body instead or take your male partner out of the equation. 

Even my husband seems to have forgotten that I was treated for male factor infertility.  Just recently he argued with me stating “No, you had endometriosis”.  Yes, that’s true but only AFTER my body was repeatedly pumped full of hormones.  Even my own reproductive endocrinologist said “We are putting gasoline on the fire with every cycle”. 

My body will never be the same again.  It was after my baby was born that the real problems began.  Yet my pain, scars, layers of fat, mood swings, cancer scare, gaining 80lbs, post partum depression, breast feeding issues & hormonal nightmare led me exactly where I was supposed to go.  Without it I wouldn’t be sitting here in my NYC apartment with my daughter making Fathers Day breakfast & blogging for a company I created.  I wouldn’t have this incredibly rich, fulfilling life, and the daughter & career I have now.  

Yes, it was hard.  Yes, I was angry then & maybe even more angry now at science.  However it was not as hard or angry as I would have been NOT trying for a biological baby.  

So thank you lazy science for allowing me to take the road less travelled which led to me to life I was meant to live.  

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